The chronicles of switch

[switch 13]

HELLO younglings, dragons, dungeon masters and nobu.

 

i hereby start a .....shall we say journal of my life's awesome story, albeit with comical humour and stuff.

the forum has been dead lately and i wanna bring back some comedy as well as flames and maybe a fap or two.

 

i will start as soon as i have my first manuscript ready...which could have been READY , if it wasnt for frae spilling love juice all over my spreadsheets.

get ur own damn tissues .... retarded squirrel....

 

*let the games begin*

 

http://static1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110803185721/warhammer40k/images/4/4c/Cadian_8th_Regiment-small.jpg

Edited February 5, 2014 by switch

[switch 13]

Daily ramblings of a humble nig-holem.

 

what is a nig-holem you say? well it is someone who goes around, cleaning other people's dirty closets. the term nig is an ancient celtic name for "danger".

oh yes, diving into other peoples closets is a dangerous and sometimes fatal task.holem stands for "asshole" ,it is indicative that i am a dangerous asshole.

 

anyways, frae ,my trustee sidekick and squirrel is telling me that im going into nerd-vana here.sorry peeps.

 

i was once honored to clean the closet of a sad sad pathetic man.heres his story:

 

you see,one night , as i was putting custer oil in the anus of a certain old lady before sex, she asked me about my job. "oh , im a nig-holem"

she quickly begged me to clean her son's closet, promising to ride me for the next 2 hours while giving me re-assuring comments about my penis size.i have to say it was a deal, especially the second part.Mamma mia!

 

i was also informed that we had to use custer oil, bcuz her son had used all the lubrication to have intercourse with the dog next door.

great job ,son , but i think he had misunderstood the whole next door thing,i mean one usually fucks the "wife next door" but as it is loppez we are talking about......

 

sorry frae, i know, i cant stop myself from giving spoilers........sherlon be a good statue and give frae a hug.

 

anywho as i approached the door to the basement i felta .....stench...like dried semen... i immediately concluded that the occupant of the room is either a:

 

A.prostitute

 

B . semenophile (a person who likes drinking semen with their cornflakes)

 

or C. that faggot kira in gundam SEED.

 

http://www.cosplayhouse.com/images/D/Gundam_Mobile_Suit_Gundam_SEED_Destiny_Kira_Yamato_wig_ver_01-1-06.jpg

^ could be this faggot as he fingers the butthole of his butt-buddy next to him

 

i opened the door, upon enterance i could see tissues and condoms everywhere, as if kamfag had been living there, but i KNEW there wouldnt be ANY condoms had this been a kamfag den.....

no this den, it belonged to a far more sinister "thing", a "thing" that could outmaneuver kira yamato in ANY gay fraternity sex orgie.

 

as i stepped down ,as my mighty legs descended upn this cum-den , i found one person, sitting behind a giant computer screen ,fapping to justin bieber's naked pics.

 

his face was in the dark ,only lit by the monitor and a giant "glow in the dark" dildo...it was two way....

 

he kept chanting,whispering ,muttering .."oh yes bieber abuse my eye sockets! "

 

i was like : yo dawg thats some weird shit right there....

 

he turned back to face me,and in the faint glow of the awkwardly brown dildo , i saw .....loppez

 

my reaction:

 

http://rochakchauhan.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/holyshit.jpg

 

 

me , frae and sherlon ran for safety as we tried to dodge the cum-faggot....he had seen us,he had scented our scent

he was hunting us.......for our semen.....

 

"i want semen....." he kept yelling and howling as he lept towards me....

 

as we ran, frae noted that his howels remind me of "the song of the dead" in the resident evil series.....

 

"NO frae! this....this can only be sung by one creature...this is the song of loppez!"

 

 

i lept out the window , for a moment there...i was the switch who lept through time .......only to land in the courtyard of loppez's mom's house

 

isnt it weird that he still lives with his mom? guess its no more weird than the fact that he shares a bed with his dad O_o

 

anyway loppez came out the backdoor, pleading to suck my sausage.....i was cornered.....i did not want to do this...but he left me no choice.....

 

part two coming up after the break....stay tuned and stay safe.

Edited February 5, 2014 by switch

[hyromaru 29]

I need moar!

[Helvetica Standard 17]

Tis, the holy writings of our exalted Switch-sama!

HAIL, HERR FUHRER!

*Salutes*

[Cross 12]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2ED-w0OJ4Z4/UZR-xH1AZFI/AAAAAAAABa0/Lg270Hg8J_c/s400/bruce_lee_lol_gif.gif

[switch 13]

the air was cold,my hands were shaking from the freeezing wind that came from the riverside.

my breath was so dry , i knew my balls were the size of a chicken nugget by now.

 

frae was tired and sherlon....well sherlon is a statue so i dont know what the fuck it was feeling.

 

but i DO know that loppez was feeling his crotch at this point,salivating like a rabid horny dog.

 

anyway i knew that i was cornered, and loppez was gonna charge at me any time now,sucking my cock till it was dry while howling like the neighbour's cat at 3am.

now dont get me wrong, if a man wants a cock-loaf sandwich ill happily serve him one, christians say that you should always feed a hungry man right?

but i was kinda saving up my man juices for a date with my left hand as huuiy guy at nyaa is gonna put out a big batch of hentai and i was gonna have a feast....

 

i was not gonna give up my man juices...NO,just NO.at least not for free,comeon now a man's gotta live right?

 

i got hold of frae, who was by now licking his own butt due to the intensity of the situation (he has a nervous rectum ,squirrels are like that)

anyway i got frae by his tail and THREW him at the horny dog..*cough* i mean loppez.

 

loppez was like sniffing frae and turning him over for a few moments then he said:

"you nerd,you play VNs blah blah blah....i want man juice not animal juice"

 

he tossed frae aside,and the traitor critter took flight into a nearby drain pipe.

it was me and sherlon....sherlon was rock hard as always and not giving a fuck that i was about to get loppezed.

 

i....played dirty.

 

as loppez got closer to me, i reached out my hand and said

 

"LOPPEZ! I AM YOUR FATHER!"

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Luke_I_Am_Your_Father.jpg

 

at this point in the 21st century para-dime ,loppez was like:

 

"so?"

 

i was bewildered "loppez,if you drank my semen ,that would be incest!"

 

loppez:"oh its ok,my dad...step dad always fucks me in my pussy hole before school."

 

"oh...thats quiet disturbing, the fact that YOU go to school..i thought retards dont have school..."

 

loppez:"nah its just a room in our house, i go there , and my step dad calls random hobos to come and fuck me."

 

"why?"

 

loppez:"for shits and giggles, i love hobo cop!"

 

"hobo-cop? is this a typo or wtf am i reading?"

 

loppez : "yeah!!!! OMG its a hobo, dressed as a COP,and he ALWAYS cums in my nostrils! YUM!"

 

 

at this time frae crawled back out of the drain and onto my shoulders.frae reminded me that a couple paragraphs above,loppez ADMITTED that he has a PUSSYHOLE!

now dear readers, HOW COULD we miss that? oh but wait we already knew that he is a pussy right?

frae the captain obvious...hmph

 

the convo took some time,in fact so long that i thought loppez's mom had hit menopause by now and i would never get laid again.

my balls were freezing in the cold air and they were starting to turn into eskimo-testicles....just then i saw two figures coming out the front door.

 

suddenly loppez's parents mr and mrs.loppez came out to support the faggot . . . .

http://s.vndb.org/sf/28/18328.jpg

 

i was like

http://cheerportal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/holy-shit-1.jpg

but THEN i saw his sister come out

http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/1374470188_Nerd.jpg

 

 

and now i was like

http://static4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131110231858/berserk/images/0/0f/Guts_Post-Eclipse_Manga.jpg

 

i used a smokebomb,put on my mantle of justice on my cock ( +4 strength)

and got to work.frae attached himself to my scrotum to protect it against marauding loppez family members.

 

i got my giant 22inch gattling penis and squirted a batch of acid infused jizz-balls.

which hit mrs.loppes right into her eyebrows, she licked it off and enjoyed it immensely.

 

frae suggested that i summon a healing totem and then use frost shield to reduce damage.

thus i did and also used concotion of caboose (ejaculation range +45)

 

by this time, father of loppez, with his assortment of dildo weaponry, went berserk and started putting dildosin any hole that moved...or breathed.

i got my cock in my hand,prayed to odin and THEN I SAMSHED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM IN HIS FACE.

 

mr.loppez was killed. earned 203 experience. you looted "used dildo -it's sticky"

 

mrs.loppez started running at me like a murloc, while loppez's sister charged at me like a scion ,only she was a BIG HAIRY SCION.

 

i took a balancing stance, lunged forward,jumped high and descended with my mighty boner in my hand.....

i boned loppez's mom and choped his sister in half by just whipping my jizz-gun at her face.

loppez's mom got pregnant due to my extreme manliness,she refered to me as "mariachi" throughout the intense 20 second thrusting that ensued and gave birth to twin puppies on the spot, we called them tinkle and binkle...but thats another story..

 

(yes 20 seconds.... im a 20second man,so what? i was lazy and didnt get "amulet of delayed ejaculation" )

 

 

now,the final boss......loppez

 

http://static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070902183210/wowwiki/images/9/97/KoboldMG.JPG

 

by this time , loppez was so horney ,that he was fuck all about shame and got busy fucking the corpse of his dead father while shouting

"oh yes dead corpses! loppez likes it!loppez loves it!"

 

CRAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGHHHHHH

 

that, dear readers is the sound of a broken cock.yes,our dear loppez,in his enraged sex fury. broke his cock while experimenting with the nostril of his dead father.

he died on the spot,with his dick stuck in his dad's nostrils.suffice to say it was a very very small clitoris that might have been chopped of at birth and fed to a cat if loppez was jewish.

http://socialhype.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/broken-penis-x-ray-300x216.jpg

 

they had to bury both of them together as it was impossible to figure out who was doing who,or how to separate them.

 

he was by far a very lame corpse-fucker.

 

as the battle ended ,me,frae and sherlon wiped the dust off our cloths,loins and groins, rejuvenated by drinking some gatorade(yes im advertising..sue me) and sang the victory song as we cleared off.

the trio walked off into the sunset,talking about the upcoming shitty call of faggots and frae mentioned that i had to pay child support to mrs.loppez now or something.....

 

anyway we walked off into the horizon,looking for more adventures to conquer,and this is where we found porn in a hopeless place...

but thats another story....

 

till next time!

 

ho ho ho ho ho ho (some ppl were complaining that ho ho ho was missing)

 

DISCALIMER : animals,corpses and alot of holes were abused in the making of this story.i hereby ask PETA to pay me a visit during mating season.

[Mishagal 19]

............................what?

[Helvetica Standard 17]

Genius, Herr Fuhrer!

*Salutes*

 

Too bad Loppez is in banned land right now....NOT.

HOPE HE STAYS THERE FOREVER, GROWING MUSHROOMS IN SOME DARK CREVICE OF THE EARTH.

[Locutus102 10]

Too bad Loppez is in banned land right now

Did i miss something?

[Gerard the Lone Wolf 10]

Did i miss something?

 

Temporary ban only. Probably for a month or so.

[hyromaru 29]

^It's the 4th time right?

[switch 13]

next episode will come out soon.

"we found porn in a hopeless place".

[switch 13]

well, this part , is the part which could also be the origin story of switch.it was written by frae in his daily journal and i thought ill post it here for your reading pleasure.

 

Disclaimer : frae is a squirrel. he writes in a distinct style that is a hybrid between sponge bob , sheldon cooper and your local alcoholic college dropout,so bear with him.

 

our story begins in a little town ,at the edge of siberia, near the end of the world. while some refer to it as the okhotsk tundra , the locals dont really care and just call it home. of course you have to remember that a bunch of tin foil aluminium huts in the middle of siberia isnt really home

,its more of a gathering for hunters,fishermen and their families who live together hoping stalin wouldn't come to kill them or chop their dicks off. (okhotsk is real,its on kamchatka peninsula)

 

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18n2e7w3jsv9ajpg/ku-xlarge.jpg

 

 

streets are littered with soviet era crap, old posters-some torn off,others hanging from gray concrete buildings that are in NO way fishy or suspicious.its not like stalin made brainwashed russian spies there or anything,no no its just an old abandoned orphanage....

 

anyway statutes of that enema loivng faggot (marx)and a bunch of alcoholics sleeping under said statues, undead nazi POWs marauding the local populace,local populace marauding the undead POWs and some nuclear waste landfill which smells like shampoo are other local attractions in the area

 

switch grew up in such a place, he was a 7 foot ,tall handsome guy who had a fairly large penis and was therefore known as "babushka niyet" in the area.it literally means "the man with the large penis" .

 

switch wore a big fur coat,fur boots, racoon hat,a big beard-mustache and had a distinct date rape face.

 

http://www.artbarbarians.com/gallery2/images/7/callep_-_and_a_grizzly_claw_necklace.jpg

(frae was not under the influence of LSD or ANY threat from switch when he wrote this,its not like switch is 5 feet with a 2 inch cock...NO).

 

switch, was busy ,doing such awesome things like playing games on his Cbox. (communist-box, russian version of xbox)

 

one day he came across a game called narufag.he immensely enjoyed fapping to a certain blonde woman in narufag and so set out to see if there is a porn version of this beauty on the interwebz.

 

what he found was anime,manga,VNs ,light novels...and the rest is history...a history of sticky tissues with lots of oniichans,oneesans and hundreds of hours of porn hunting on nyaa.

 

switch was fed up with his village.The seemingly endless zombie POWs,the ever increasing alcoholics, the numerous shady turban heads scouring the nuclear landfill for nukes.....it was all too repetitive.

he wanted to travel, to have an orgasm without seeing his children on tissue paper, to conquer the world.....to be immortal...

 

but first he wanted to visit the holy land of weaboos. akibahara ........or was it akihabara or perhaps akiharaba? like any other weaboo he wasnt sure about the pronounciation.he just wanted moe, imoutos and lots of japanese stuff.

 

--this is a machine translation of switchy's first words as he set out on his epic journey.it was in russian and i used google translate,it is ACCURATE (approved by kangaeruu at fuwanovel)

 

"The promised land,i must go on a pilgrimage as i like turnips and hungry. i like vodka flavored tampons"

 

so with nothing but a bunch of tissues,figurines and dakimakuras,switch set out to explore and seek out "akiba-the land of faps"

 

his first ordeal, was to burn his house down.

http://www.autofish.net/mirrors/images/amusing/house_fire_kid.jpg

 

he was inspired by Fullmetal alchemist and thought it was badass to burn his tinfoil hut.unfortunately for switch it was the wrong hut. the one he burned was infact the hideout of an arab....al-clit-oris ,a local arms dealer and ex-turban head terrorist.

 

Not aware that he had burned the house of bin laden's second incestuous son,switch calmly took a stroll atop his mule"sherlon" to the nearby shipyard in pauzhetka (its a real place).

 

at noon,he was itching his right testicles and was wondering if he should have drunk one last vodka with his favorite local alcoholic-dimitry the bear.he was walking over a steep snow covered slope as he heard some people shouting behind him.switchy turned back and to his horror...a bunch of armed to the teeth turban-heads were running towards his mule, while shouting "al-nabakar,al-kooskesh" and other arabic sounding jibber jabber that you usually hear in 24.the arabs were mad because he had burned their "nuke supplies" and they were MAD.

 

switch misunderstood what they wanted.in the past,several of these foreigners had invited switch over for beer and a game of "just the tip".

switch had refused the offer as he doesnt like beer that much.( exact words "beer is piss with flavor")

 

our great fapper, knowing that at any moment he might be sucking some major nasty sausages,hurried his mule down the slope and trotted along an old abandoned walrus footpath.

 

This path was usually taken by promiscuous walruses during mating season, where they could have sex with other species (read polar bears) without interference from PETA. during the off season it was full of horny agitated walruses.switchy went deep into the path and then to lose the arabs,got off the mule,whisked the mule into the walrus pit and then hid in a nearby bush.

 

the arabs went past him, following the footprints of sherlon .this was followed by several screams from a walrus,indicating the start of mating behavior who apparently got caught of an arab. his penis then and tore the arab from one limb up to his anus.all arabs were killed.the fate of sherlon the mule remains a mystery to this day.he was last seen ,heading into the pit with great valor and sacrifice to protect switchy.

 

http://www.harveymackay.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/mule2.jpg

^ sherlon , was first given to switchy at his 12th birthday by his uncle sergei zapatikove

 

after the whole ordeal , switch went back to the pit and found a small piece of circumcised penis ,evidence that the turban-heads were no more.

switch grieved the loss of sherlon, cried tears and blood ,punched through the snow,took a fistful of dirt and swore vengeance upon any turban head from then on after till time eternal.

 

After much bitterness, switch got hold of his bag, drank some ale and set off towards pauzhetka ...little did he know that there was a BIG mysterious creature,following him into the wilderness

 

to be continued....

Edited February 8, 2014 by switch

[switch 13]

starting today ,this series will focus on promoting my new ebooks:

 

1.the tao of weaboo

 

2.the modern encyclopedia of the pervert: 150 ways to end your social life

 

both are available on amazone.for discounted prices type "loppez is a fraternity sex slave" at checkout.oh and i got a new contract with barnes and nobel so starting from april , they are gonna sell limited edition "60 shades of semen" with REAL switchy semen, packed inside!(89.99+ VAT)

(W.H.smith was the previous contractor but they had sloppy packing and the books ended up kinda sticky....)

 

on with our story :

 

switchy continued to push on through the really fat russian prostitute....oh wait wrong chapter...my bad

 

and as he snorted cocain off the ass of a donkey .....nope not that one either.......

 

oh here we are! chapter 2:

 

switchy ,wrapped in nothing but a loincloth and a big fury hat ,continued to walk towards the pier.

(he was attacked by a bunch of really horny seals the night before and they didnt leave till he confessed that he has a micro-penis)

 

slowly but surely,switchy made it through the hailing ravaging cold wind,in sub-zero temperature all the while rubbing his dick so it wouldnt freeze in the cold chill.the wind was so cold that it got to his bones and made him cringe everytime the wind decided to have a go at his man nipples.

 

its like the wind was gonna have re-bound sex with switchy...it kept groping, rubbing and harassing every part of his body including his potty-hole

.

by evening, he had gotten to a hill overlooking the pier, which comprised of a few buildings,a nuclear misile silo and a bunch of naked russians wrestling with what appeared to be a walrus.switch took a gulp from his flask of congac (+15 stamina for 10 mins) and headed down into the hamlet surrounding the pier.

 

The pier was BUSTLING with activity,crates,gagged humans , dead animals,giant rats gnawing on human remains and some posters of daddy stalin were all crying for attention from the piercing eyes of switch-sama.ofc there was a vodka shop,a mamayev statue and a romanian circus as well , but you can find those things anywhere in mother russia,so switchy decidedto ignore them and head over to the local tavern instead.

 

the tavern was a beat up cottage , just beside a whore-house that featured short hairy mongolian women as prostitutes.

it was the last bastion of romanian human traffickers and ukranian mafiosi on the asian continent.

any further and you'll be finding ching-chong triad members.

 

alongside the dingies and small row boats silently floating in the basin.the pier was just a really long stretch of mahogny wood,strecthing out from the beach and into the ocean.it was way way longer than all the dicks in hentai put together,and as you would expect , there were vodka bottles, EVERYWHERE....along with a few alcoholics who were burried somewhere in the piles of empty bottles.

 

as switch-pyon neared the tavern, he could make out a giant furbolg outside the tavern; hammering away at something....it was olga.

Olga , the big huuuuuuge woman who ran the tavern was outside,skinning werewolves for her famous "olga borscht".

olga used to be a famous actor back in the day, she once hugged and suffocated a man with ONLY her breasts so that james bond could escape ass rape or something....

 

but now she had settled down with her uzbek husband,and ran the local tavern ,selling her breast milk on the side as a local souvenior to the japanese fishermen who came there after their whale-hunts.

 

and thats exactly why switchy thought it to be a good idea to ask olga for help.

 

she knew the japanese fishermen pretty well and could help him hitch a ride to nerd-vana aboard one of the fishing vessels.

however....there was a slight...complication.you see, switch sama's father was originally supposed to marry this olga woman,but he chickened out at the last minute and ran into the wilderness.

 

for good reason too,since olga's current husband was kept naked in her basement and was fed nothing but viagra and olga's breast milk. (olga's aunt was imprisoned for the same crime a couple of years back)

 

anyway this olga woman didnt really like switchy and im lazy to write about the 100 many times that she tried to rape switchy's family or murder them in their sleep.

 

switchy approached the tavern (still naked ofc) and picked up one of the werewolf skins that was lying around,wrapped it around him and continued to observe the she-monster olga as she smashed a werewolf skull by hitting it with her left nipple.

 

"wow..." exclaimed switch in an involuntary outcry of surprise

 

"what? cant you see im working here? never seen a russian woman with adamantium infused nipples?" ,olga shouted as she was frothing at the mouth.

 

"well,i HAVE seen them now... i guess..." switch knew that to him, nipples would never be the same again......

 

"yeah ,so did ur father ,BEFORE HE LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR..." olga then muttered something in russian and started skinning a polar bear.

 

"sturdy your father was....with his BIG giant polearm....he could hump all winter if he had to..."

 

olga got her hands into the animal's mouth and removed the intestines in one fast jerk.

"here, cut these in pieces, gotta sell these as condoms to the whorehouse next door.."

 

"olga-san , cant they use modern condoms? why go medieval?"

 

olga snorted a big goo out her nose and said "well,they can, but the customers complain of the vaginas being too hairy"

 

"so? can't they just close their eyes?"

 

olga carried on to cleave the polar bear " well,they can do that too but those mongolian vaginas have a lot of hair and apparently its all pointy and sharp..."

 

"itsu like having sekksu with an urchin" commented a japanese sailor as he came out the whorehouse next door.he had a sailor's cap,sailor's shirt aaaaand he had nothing below his waist.

 

"oh tanaka -san .." olga went on as if it was a normal thing to have no underwear in the middle of the tundra

"your kung-fu ass owes me a 100 bucks for that last pint of olga-milk"

 

"i am not tanaka,i am ryu..."

 

"did i sound like i schlick to that ching chong?" olga considered all asians as ching chong.infact anyone who wasnt from russia was basically ,a ching chong.

 

"ok olga-san ,i wiru givu youru money backku to you asu soon asu possibru"

 

olga looked at him and was like "impossibru ching chong,either gimme 100 bucks now or ill cut that dick of yours and serve it as today's special..."

 

"yeah ,ukranians dig that a lot ..." switchy commented as he reached for his loincloth and got 100 bucks from underneath it.

switchy continued :" look tanaka...ryu..whatever san, ill pay olga and instead YOU will smuggle me into japan."

 

the sailor was puzzled ,he had that wtf face ,you know... the same face after you read a post by switch...the "WTF face".

 

switchy thought of it as a gap in communication and tried to barter his way in by using his extensive knowledge of japanese that he had gained from hours of tentacle rape hentai.

 

"omae no kane kore desu,omae ore nihon e kitte kudasai,ore wa omanko shashin eski desu ,loli wa hanzai desu"

 

"dude ,dont go weaboo on me,i can speak russian ,its just that i wanted to see if i can get you to buy me that toothless mongolian whore i was doing " explained the horny sailor. "you see ,i want a waifu and she looks good enough..."

 

"DEAL! ,i suppose she is 40 bucks?" switch got his calculator out as he said this.

 

"what? no,come on she aint jennifer aniston , no, she is 6 bucks + VAT and PAT,so 22 bucks." the sailor said happily.

 

(6 + 3 (VAT) + 13(PAT) = 22) ,btw FYI PAT stands for putin-added-tax,its a tribute to our god,vlad putin.

 

 

switchy paid olga and then went on to purchase the whore for the jap sailor. he then scheduled to leave with the jap

sailor 6 days later when they took off for another whale hunting expedition.

 

he was all excited about getting to see the land of weaboo in a few weeks time...little did he know of the giant monster which had followed him to the pier.....

 

as one italian taxi driver , turned mafioso once put it :"you will never know what god has in store for you."

Edited March 2, 2014 by switch

[napoleon 134]

hey, you said hypno training got like a 2/10 and I kinda agree i thought it didnt look to bad but the scenes are bad and the game is bad dont rape your family with hypnosis!