Daily Joke

[shihmeng91 10]

In or Out?

 

 

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

 

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

 

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

 

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

 

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

 

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

 

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

 

 

Wrong Info

 

 

Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

 

He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

 

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him he truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

 

Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"

 

 

God is watching

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

 

A good dentist

 

 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

 

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

 

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

 

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

 

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

 

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

 

"Didn't feel a thing!"

 

 

Scottish Couple

 

 

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

 

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

 

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

 

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

 

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

 

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

 

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump; the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

 

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"

 

"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

 

 

Divorced

 

 

DIVORCED FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

 

Later ...

DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

 

DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father ... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

 

 

2 Women

 

 

2 women waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation.

"How'd u die?" the 1st woman asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the 2nd.

"That's awful," says the 1st woman.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the 2nd woman.

"You get the shakes, and u get pains in all ur fingers and toes.

But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. U get numb & u kind of drift off, as if u're sleeping. How abt y, how did u die?"

 

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman.

"U see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so 1 day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching tv.

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either.

I ran up to the 2nd floor, but no one was hiding there either.

I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,

I had a massive heart attack and died."

 

The 2nd woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.

"What do u mean?" asks the 1st woman.

"If u had only stopped to look in the freezer, both of us would

still be alive."

 

 

Medical Lesson

 

 

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery

table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

 

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,

 

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle

finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[shihmeng91 10]

House Maid

 

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

 

 

 

 

Ugly People

 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

 

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

 

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

 

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

 

 

 

 

An Expensive Shower

 

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her body and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.

 

The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.

He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.

She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.

Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

 

When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

 

 

 

 

Memo

 

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

 

Addendum: (Just Re-read the Memo odd numbered lines)

 

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

 

 

 

 

Eating Chicken

 

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

 

"Why?" he asked.

 

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

 

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

 

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

 

"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

 

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

 

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."

 

 

 

 

Sleeping Girl

 

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

 

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

 

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

 

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

 

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

 

And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that *Vulgar Word* thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

 

The Teacher fainted.

 

 

 

 

Revenge

 

In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll sh!t on its head!"

 

 

 

 

Both of Them

 

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

 

 

Impotent

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was rediculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one. She went completely ballistic. ''You impotent b@stard," She screamed at him, ''how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: ''I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.''

 

 

Condoms in Car

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me

that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me

that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

 

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got

married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and

could not say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom , and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

 

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

 

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

 

My future father-in-law was standing outside

 

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

 

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask

for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

 

The moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car

 

 

Holes

 

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my *Vulgar Word*." And the idiot went to Heaven.

 

 

Shit

 

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane when the stranger

turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "Ok" said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

 

Bet

 

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

 

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

 

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there

was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the

president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

 

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

 

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

 

The president asked the old lady,

 

"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

 

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

 

 

 

Gay Rooster

 

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

 

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

 

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

 

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"

 

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

 

The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

 

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

 

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

 

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

 

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

 

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

 

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "*Vulgar Word*it! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

 

 

Kiss Face?

 

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

 

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

 

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

 

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

 

"But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

 

.

.

.

.

 

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

 

 

Hunter

 

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

 

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

 

They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

 

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.

 

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a 308."

 

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

 

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

 

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

 

"What did I do?" he asked.

 

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"

 

 

Parents' Job

 

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore!"

 

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

 

Johnny said, "Yes."

 

"Well, what did the principal say?"

 

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"

[Nobu 12]

My Daily Joke:

What did the Hobo get for Christmas?

AIDS.

 

...was that too mean?

[VNHunter 12]

now this thread is killing me...

thanks...

[shihmeng91 10]

My Daily Joke:

What did the Hobo get for Christmas?

AIDS.

 

...was that too mean?

 

@.@ a warm Christmas ?

[shihmeng91 10]

Not Sweet

 

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

 

A young blonde raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

 

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

 

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

 

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.

 

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic...

 

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

 

 

How to Trick the Nun

 

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

 

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

 

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

 

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

 

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

 

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

 

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

 

 

The Stuck Vibrator

 

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her below.

 

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

 

 

The Desperate Housewife

 

There was this housewife and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gipsy and told her her problem.

 

The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my virgina' and it will start having sex with you".

 

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

 

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS!"

 

 

Going Home Late

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[Nobu 12]

...a warm Christmas...it's okay I'll give u another one

 

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

 

A)

nothing, nobodies cares about him and his stupid birthday.

 

 

B)

gloves.

 

 

O.o too mean?

 

Lol the nun one mindfucked me

Edited June 1, 2012 by Nobu

[shihmeng91 10]

Triplets

 

A women was pregnant with triplets.

 

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

 

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

 

So 16 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TO PEE AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

 

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM TO SHIT AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

 

On the third day the eldest son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "NO, NO, I SHOT MY GIRLFRIEND IN THE MOUTH AT THE BATHROOM!"

 

 

4 Nuns

 

One day there were four nuns in queue for confessional.

 

The first nun said a loud, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

 

He asked how.

 

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

 

The second nun comes in and says a loud, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

 

He asked how.

 

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

 

Then the third and fourth nun in queue started fighting.

 

He asked why they were fighting.

 

The fourth nun said, "I wanted to jump the queue and confess first before her but she wont allow me.

 

He asked why.

 

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

 

 

Death or Bongo?

 

These 2 guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound big indian came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo?"

 

The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. And how bad can bongo be? I choose bongo."

 

The 500 pound big indian takes him aside and they start banging it right there and let him go, ass bleeding badly. After that the 500 pound indian asked the 2nd guy "Now, I give you the same two choices......death or bongo."

 

The 2nd guy disgusted by all this rather die than being ass raped by a 500 pound big indian, so he said "i choose death."

 

After saying this, 500 of these 500 pound indians come out of the bushes screaming loudly "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"

 

 

Christmas Day

 

One christmas morning, two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

 

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

 

The parents stopped fighting and decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

 

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

 

Then it was getting near dinner and dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

 

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "f*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

 

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitchs and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!

[Just 10]

Are these jokes Christian friendly?

[shihmeng91 10]

Are these jokes Christian friendly?

 

no idea bro, for me is a joke some good and bad and some i hate it. dont take it too seriously.